“A deeply compelling memoir from a transgender man who birthed and breastfed his children – it’s informative, inspiring, and transformational.” – DIANA WEST, co-author of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, 8th edition
In a time when to most people “pregnancy” automatically means “motherhood,” what is it like to get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed a child all while being an out transgender man?
When Trevor MacDonald decided to start a family, he knew that the world was going to have questions for him. As a transgender man in a gay relationship, Trevor has gone through the journeys of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing all while exploring (and sometimes defending) his role as a trans dad. Trevor and his partner tackle all the questions new parents are familiar with (Should we feed our baby breast milk or formula? Should we have a hospital or home birth?) and others perhaps unfamiliar (How can a man cope with gender dysphoria when going through such female-coded rituals as childbirth and breastfeeding? How can a person breastfeed after having had chest masculinization surgery? How do we find donor milk to supplement our own modest milk supply?).
Luckily for the reader, Trevor explains his own answers to these questions with grace and humour. His stories convey the intimate and sometimes surprising realities of the transgender parenting experience. This memoir is a book about being a breastfeeding parent and a transgender man, and the many beautiful, moving, and difficult ways these two identities collide. It is a story that shows that pregnancy and parenting go beyond all preconceptions we might have about ourselves. “Where’s the Mother?” is a memoir about love and family like no other.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
JUST A YEAR after my surgery, Ian and I talked for the first time about starting a family. The thought had not crossed my mind until I transitioned. Suddenly, I had new space in my soul to care for others.
I wasn’t sure I liked kids. I hadn’t spent much time with any, and I was a bit scared of the ones I knew. Kids say exactly what they are thinking, including things like, “Are you a boy or a girl?”
It seems, too, that many can tell in an instant if an adult is not feeling confident. Luckily for me, our baby would be born a baby and not a kid, and we would have time to get to know each other well before the need to negotiate over candy, bedtimes, or car keys.
I also took courage from the fact that Ian was, and is, amazing with kids. Friends of ours have been surprised more than once to hear their normally standoffish babies and toddlers crying for him, asking to be held, played with, and read to. Ian had assumed that as a gay man, he’d never have children of his own.
As surprised and unprepared as we both were (neither of us had ever changed a diaper before our own kid was born), we knew that we wanted to raise a baby together. We wanted a little person to love, cuddle, delight in, and guide as best we could.
At first we considered adoption, but rapidly concluded that no one would let us adopt a kid. There is a substantial age difference between us, we don’t have piles of money, and, yes, there’s the transgender issue. Canadian courts have ruled that being transgender or deciding to transition should not affect child custody arrangements, but many people are still suspicious of transgender parents (a quick perusal of the comments on any article about transgender parenting provides copious proof). We assumed that we would be stuck on an adoption waiting list for years and never get a call.
In a time when to most people “pregnancy” automatically means “motherhood,” what is it like to get pregnant, give birth, and breastfeed a child all while being an out transgender man?
When Trevor MacDonald decided to start a family, he knew that the world was going to have questions for him. As a transgender man in a gay relationship, Trevor has gone through the journeys of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing all while exploring (and sometimes defending) his role as a trans dad. Trevor and his partner tackle all the questions new parents are familiar with (Should we feed our baby breast milk or formula? Should we have a hospital or home birth?) and others perhaps unfamiliar (How can a man cope with gender dysphoria when going through such female-coded rituals as childbirth and breastfeeding? How can a person breastfeed after having had chest masculinization surgery? How do we find donor milk to supplement our own modest milk supply?).
Luckily for the reader, Trevor explains his own answers to these questions with grace and humour. His stories convey the intimate and sometimes surprising realities of the transgender parenting experience. This memoir is a book about being a breastfeeding parent and a transgender man, and the many beautiful, moving, and difficult ways these two identities collide. It is a story that shows that pregnancy and parenting go beyond all preconceptions we might have about ourselves. “Where’s the Mother?” is a memoir about love and family like no other.
SAMPLE CHAPTER
JUST A YEAR after my surgery, Ian and I talked for the first time about starting a family. The thought had not crossed my mind until I transitioned. Suddenly, I had new space in my soul to care for others.
I wasn’t sure I liked kids. I hadn’t spent much time with any, and I was a bit scared of the ones I knew. Kids say exactly what they are thinking, including things like, “Are you a boy or a girl?”
It seems, too, that many can tell in an instant if an adult is not feeling confident. Luckily for me, our baby would be born a baby and not a kid, and we would have time to get to know each other well before the need to negotiate over candy, bedtimes, or car keys.
I also took courage from the fact that Ian was, and is, amazing with kids. Friends of ours have been surprised more than once to hear their normally standoffish babies and toddlers crying for him, asking to be held, played with, and read to. Ian had assumed that as a gay man, he’d never have children of his own.
As surprised and unprepared as we both were (neither of us had ever changed a diaper before our own kid was born), we knew that we wanted to raise a baby together. We wanted a little person to love, cuddle, delight in, and guide as best we could.
At first we considered adoption, but rapidly concluded that no one would let us adopt a kid. There is a substantial age difference between us, we don’t have piles of money, and, yes, there’s the transgender issue. Canadian courts have ruled that being transgender or deciding to transition should not affect child custody arrangements, but many people are still suspicious of transgender parents (a quick perusal of the comments on any article about transgender parenting provides copious proof). We assumed that we would be stuck on an adoption waiting list for years and never get a call.
